Insomnia Sucks

3:00 a.m.

This is the time I've been waking up lately.  3:00 a.m.  Each night I tell myself I will sleep better.  I go to be earlier, I go to bed later, I try tea and warm baths, warm milk... nothing helps.

Insomnia sucks.  It's now 6:00 a.m. as I write this and I haven't slept AT ALL since 3:00 a.m.  I have been sick nearly 5 days now with a stomach virus that landed me in the ER and just yesterday let me try solid foods.  I should be exhausted.  I should sleep.  But I don't.

Insomnia sucks.  It's like a little bedside demon.  It makes your mind reel and makes you think, just a little, that you might ACTUALLY be crazy.  After all, you think, if I were at peace, wouldn't I sleep?  It makes you think you've perhaps taken a misstep on life's road.  It makes you think of grocery lists.  It makes you rehearse conversations you'll never have or write letters you will never send.  It makes you plan bucket lists and play games with yourself to try to sleep.  It's a dark little friend who keeps you company by reminding you that you are alone.

It also makes you a late night math genius.  Because you begin that "sleep math"... and it's down to the second.  I can get 1 hour, 23 minutes and 45 seconds of sleep if I fall asleep NOW.  Okay Now.  Okay... 1 hour, 15 minutes, 18 seconds.

You think of something boring.  You think of something pleasant.  You fantasize. You shut your eyes. You try deep breathing.  My god... you even try counting.  Not sheep.  Just plain boring counting.  Figuring THAT will put you to sleep.  But it doesn't.

I had briefly thought I would just get up and work out.  Until I remembered that I have not had more than 2 bananas, 1/3 of a piece of toast and about 10 bites of noodles and 1/8 of a cup of rice in 5 days.  I'd faint.  Did it once in college.  Got so excited to be feeling better that I worked out after the flu.  Fainted.  In the U of O workout facility.  Woke to strangers around me.  Embarrassing.  The doctor at the student health center asked me if I had an eating disorder.  "no, I'm just dumb," was my reply.

So I'm writing.  It's what I do.  It's how I process.  It's how I breathe.  One pen stroke at a time, one key stroke at a time.  This is my breathing.  This is my peace.

Tonight I will pray for peace in the form of a good night of sleep.  Tonight, after I close my eyes, I pray when they open that clock does not say 3:00 a.m.

Good morning world... I hope you slept well.  I hope to again one day.