Naked

So over the past few days I've been contacted by good friends, kinda friends and people I barely know about my words.  One friend called me after midnight, completely touched by a 5 sentence message I had left him to encourage him in a very scary time of his life.  He said he thought that perhaps I was a fairy and not quite of this world. 

Two other friends and one woman whom I've met and would like to know better, contacted me about writings I've posted saying that I've encouraged them or touched them or said that I've somehow managed to put in words exactly what they needed to hear.

I've also been recently doubted as perhaps finally snapping, gone crazy.  I've had others recently express bewilderment at my lack of propriety... that I just talk and love and live very big and open and nakedly.  They think I'm weird or too open to getting hurt. 

I sat down tonight to write, so pleased that anything I write could have touched anyone - either to inspire, make them think, make them disagree with me, take a step they hadn't thought of taking yet, etc. but then it turned into wondering in my journal.

What are we all so afraid of?  Why the walls?  Why is my way of loving my friends and reaching out to others so unusual?  Why can't we tell our friends, male or female, "I love you" - openly, nakedly, honestly... without doing this damn propriety dance?  Why can't we offer a hug?  Why should it be considered unusual to call a friend late at night, remembering they are about to embark on a scary step and say, "I'm so glad you didn't answer, because it means you're sleeping. I'm thinking of you.  I know you're scared, but you will be okay.  Sleep peacefully. You can do this.  I love you." (this is the simple message that touched my friend so and made him think he didn't deserve my friendship) Why can't you see a hurting co-worker and ask them if they need company for lunch?

I've been blessed recently to connect with some amazing souls.  And I say souls because that's where I see the connection.  I'm drawn to someone because of some light or music or originality or naked honesty to them that just makes me go "hmmmm... so curious about this one."  My friend Will told me I was a collector of lost souls.  I agree, but disagree.  I just think if we stopped dancing  around each other and playing games and engaging in small talk, we'd see that we're all a little lost.   Yet, we're not because life is supposed to be a journey and how can we be lost if there are so many roads we can take? We all need a little light.  We're all alone, together.

And shit, what is wrong with a little honesty?  What is wrong with saying, "Yep, I hurt today, I could totally use a hug."  What is wrong with being a bit messy or silly? 

I've always felt a little different.  A little out there.  I've been told a few times in my life that I'm a fairy, not of this world, weird, magical, crazy, need to grow up, need to protect myself better, etc.  I'm not going to concern myself with if those were insults or compliments.  I'm 40 now.  I'm making an attempt to find me.  It's not too late.  What the hell do I have to be afraid of anymore?  Loneliness?  Bring it on.  No one walks in my shoes anyway.

Naked
They stare
I am naked
Oh what to do with me
My mouth pours forth
My pen
offends
and delights in turn
I am impropriety
I speak my heart
they hide in whispers
Tuck beneath
A Shadow
they call reality
But I say
what they won't
oh what to do
with me
They want to clothe
my blunt demeanor
Hush
my liquid mouth
Maybe
I am not of this place
never was
Wander on
I am the mermaid
Or water sprite
they fear
drowning
Little do they know
Here you cannot drown
My sea
is a tender hand
a warm blanket
If only
they did not fear
naked words
open truth
Say it
And float with me

Struggling With Patience

I'm writing a new chapter in my life these days... but I realize I forgot to pack the most important thing.  Patience.  I lack patience with myself.  I've been told by some that I am infinitely patient with my kids because of the games/ideas/methods, etc. I continually employ to get the behavior I want and manage the day-to-day.

But for me?  Ugh, I lack patience.  I want to be THERE.  Done.  This journey I'm on to finally be who I think I can be... I'm forgetting the journey is the important part.  The destination is there no matter what.  But noooooo, I want to get from A to Z without the shit in the middle.  Only the shit in the middle is what builds the soul.  Builds character.  It's the piece I need to find the Mariska that's been dead so long, I sometimes think there aren't enough resuscitative measures out there to get her breathing.

I had planned on sitting down and reading some Tennyson and being asleep by 10:30 tonight.  Instead I danced.  And then I sat down, wanting to journal about patience and instead, this poured out of me.  I know there are some who think I've gone crazy... maybe they're right.  I'll find out as I walk this path.

Soul Rising

Soul rising

Impatient am I 

with her

I pull and yank

Cry and cajole

But time, 

her lover,

reminds me

Souls rising need patience

not pushing

Need love

not selfish desire

Soul rising

I want her done

Strong and luminous

Hands on hips

Feet on mountaintops

Sun shining 

in her hair

Time, again time,

reminds me...

"wait," he whispers,

She is worth it

What of Icarus anyway?

Tonight I was reading a couple of my favorite writers and doing some journaling and got to thinking of a conversation with I had with a friend of mine, Will.  He's fun to talk to, mostly because his mind is a treasure-trove of random trivia, amazing references that reflect a well-read human and because his quips show an amazing knack for thinking on his feet.

My mind works slower.  I like to mull things over, toss them around.  Roll them around in my mouth like savoring a chocolate truffle rather than just smashing my teeth right through it.

Anyway, sometimes... I'm kinda happy with what my mulling mind comes up with after I'm done rolling the thought around.  Will and I were having a text session not too long ago.  Usually they are brief, random, silly and turn into a competition to make the other laugh or pull out some arcane reference.  This time, I was attempting to encourage him in life's adventure.  I told him to "fly".  Not content to take my encouragement, he instead quipped of Icarus, flying too close to the sun.

For some reason, tonight's "rolling around in my mouth" thought was that of Icarus.  I suddenly wondered, what would happen if I turned that story a bit on it's head.  What if Icarus was not a lesson in hubris... but had an unknown tragic back story?  What if Icarus was merely a dreamer, wanting to fly?  What if he got sucked in to believing more than he should, by a goddess who lied?  Tempted him to come close, just to burn him and then pretend the whole while, that she had his best interests at heart.  Yes, in my new journey at 40, this is the crap that comes to me at 10-something p.m.

But I enjoyed what poured out of me.

Icarus Turned Upside Down

Better warm you

From afar

Careful Icarus

I burn

We are not meant to touch

My love

Is celestial

Save yours

For when your feet

Touch earth

Better light you

From afar

My sweet Icarus

You come too close

I do not wish to harm you

Let the shafts of my fingers

Drift into golden haze

To rest about your shoulders

Graze your head

From afar

My light is benevolent

When distance dims it

They blamed you

Called you arrogant

Stubborn one

With deafened ear

They do not know

I was a siren

I called to you with sweet whispers

You can come close

I will hold you

Sweet Icarus

I lied

You can no more fly

Than I can kiss the moon