Accidental Community

I've been advising a couple of people close to me lately on the topic of divorce or splitting or dating or blending families.  It's made me reflect so much on the crazy, twists and turns on this weird road I've traveled over the past 5 years.  It's made me so thankful that something that started out so painful, hard, lonely and difficult... can turn into an AMAZING journey and into a happy accident and blending of people that I could have never predicted, and yet, has given me so much to be thankful for.

Dating and/or remarriage after a divorce is a tricky, complex, strange little world.  So many friends seem to be in the same or similar spot as me and it's been an interesting ride for us all.  Trying to blend families, juggling relationships with new people or more children, or exes... it's a complex dance.  It really is.  Some new relationships can't get past the hurdle of blending.  Some are so poisoned by ex's, that they don't get off the ground or exist in an anxious state of continued animosity.
And some of us feel so blindsided by blessings that we are standing here stunned at the turns life takes.  I'm lucky enough to be in that third category.  Stunned and blessed.

I've learned, or taught myself, over the past few years to look at the positive.  I have been lucky enough, in my dating, remarriage... despite the ups and downs, to have SO much positive to find.  What I've found myself reflecting on recently and very thankful for recently, is this little "accidental community" I have because of this road.  I have all these unique, strong, creative, challenging (and I mean in the good way) people in my life.  They make me think, laugh, grow, stretch and, best of all, they make me grateful.

One might think one's ex is a strange person to put in this "community",  since divorce usually means separate lives...but Mike and I have somehow managed to find and grow our friendship that we found when we were 18 and turn it into a great experiment in parenting (we both detest the term "co-parent").  We helped out TOGETHER this year during my daughter's cookie party.  We do that kind of thing a lot... it always raises eyebrows.  You don't see a lot of divorced couples showing up at the school together, walking down the hall and laughing, or going on field trips together. We're not "taking turns" or sticking to our "designated days".  We even joined her for lunch on the same day a couple weeks before that.  He and my husband text each other.  They work together and with me on pick ups and drop off and activities.  The two of them are even taking our boys together to a WWE event.  It's pretty amazing.  And, I don't know if it's a product of our single-parenting time, but we've become creative in time spent with the kids and it's been an easy flow when we've had to "reconfigure" schedules do to travel... be it for work or fun.  Today, I see Mike post on FB seeking anime suggestions because our daughter really is interested.  He finds a friend to private tutor William on the saxophone.  He doesn't do it to be thanked or to receive compliments for being a great dad... he did it because he takes an interest in our kids' interest.  And then he includes me or asks me about things.  We invite him over to a football party or out to breakfast, not out of obligation, but truly, because we can actually all have fun together.

My "new family" is another part of this community that is such a happy accident.  Of course, my kids aren't new to me... but this "6 of us" thing with Jason and my step kids Jayden and Delaney, together with me and William and Elizabeth... that's new.  And it's amazing.  It feels like we've always been family.  The kids melded together seamlessly.  It's crazy.  And I don't mean they always get along or they don't get tired of one another... they do.  But they do like birth siblings do.  Their compromises and their joys, their disagreements and their excitement, none of it feels forced or weird.  We're just a family.  A weird, silly, creative, quirky family.  And it wasn't an intentional reaching out.  It was an accidentally beautiful coincidence that Jason and I met and share so much in our viewpoint of parenting and happened to each have a son and each have a daughter and all are so close in age that they got this automatic sibling to share some experiences with.  The boys are two years apart and the girls one year apart and they all just... work.  I'm so grateful.  William thinks of Jayden when buying a Pop and buys him one.  Delaney orders some cute thing online and gets one for Lizzy.  Jayden asks if there's a way he and William can play baseball together.  Lizzy sees something she wants, but then wants to make sure Delaney gets one too.  They're amazing in their regard for one another.

As odd as it is to be thankful for my ex as part of my "accidental community", I'm sure it also seems odd to include my husband's ex, Kelly, in an accidental community to be thankful for...but I am.  This year, as the plans I set up for Delaney's spa party began to unravel, Kelly calmly and quickly called a spa she knew about, got it scheduled, switched the "party part" to her home at the last minute since the new spa didn't have a party room and off we went.  She'll claim she's not creative or artsy and there she was letting us and the kids make multiple attempts at slime in her kitchen.  And together, when we talked about the fancy "spa lunch", she immediately thought of fun little touches like champagne glasses for the cider or flowers on the table to make that last-minute party just right.  She patiently puts up with the fact that, because I'll dye Lizzy's hair weird colors, Laney will now ask too if she can dye her hair.  Kelly just says yes and goes along with our craziness.  She took the time and consideration to ask Laney, when Laney wanted her ears pierced, if she also wanted me and Lizzy along to share in the moment.  I mean, that's a pretty big moment for mom and daughter... and she shared it.  Not to look like the hero or to be cool or to garner any favor.  She did it, because we're all now, for better or worse, this little community bonded by 4 kids.

And speaking of sharing and community, the fun part is when ALL of us end up at the boys' baseball games together. What a fun motley crew we make.  Me, Jason, Mike, Kelly, her husband Guy (who's an endless good sport about all this) sitting in a row, behind a dugout... looking like Eugene/Springfield's answer to Modern Family.  And I'm THANKFUL for this.  Do we all always agree... heck no.  Are we going to have disagreements.  Well, yes.  But I can't worry about that when there's so much to be thankful for in this crazy little community.

My accidental community has been blessed even more by the grandparents.  My step kids' grandparents, unlike my kiddos, are local and what a wonderful, happy accident to get to have these people in our lives.  Carol (Kelly's mom) are who the kids are with before and after school.  And besides being a kind, welcoming, caring soul, she's a rock.  She's the one we get a text from when Laney has an anxious morning.  She and Steve (her husband) just show up, no questions asked, no favors required in return and help us move.  TWICE.  Who does that?  And it's not false, or for credit or out of obligation, it's just who they are.  Steve and Carol just ask "what can we do to help", because that's them in a nutshell.  Shawna, Jason's mom, is... you know that person who, as soon as you're around them, you want to laugh together?  That's her.  She will jump into whatever crazy idea we've decided is the day's creativity and bring laughter with her.  She'll come up with great things to do or creative gifts like glitter jars because she's got that ability to jump in and innovate.  And laugh. And Dan, Jason's Dad is is that grandpa who's out there ready to teach them (my kids included in the most welcoming manner) about digging ponds and building bird houses and who will sit down at the table with them and ask them questions and actually listen for their answers.  He's the one who comes in and asks me how I am, and gives me a hug, even though he's not huggy by nature.  He and Shawna have made me and my kids welcome from day one.

And all of this accidental community is because of the coolest accident of all.  Meeting my husband.  A co-worker, friends with both of us, thought we should meet.  We were resistant, both of us rather content to be alone, quite frankly.  Rick, our friend, kept bringing it up though.  So three nights of FB chatting and a lunch later, I found myself knowing I was headed down a path that was going to upend EVERYTHING I knew.  How did I know this from a few chats and one lunch with him?  No idea.  But I did.  I don't know if it was instantly because we could joke like we'd known each other all our lives, or our shared love of fishing, Nightmare Before Christmas, cold weather and well... "weirdness", but I told a guy who had asked me for a second date (first date was a few days before I began chatting with Jason) and who knew I was "not looking for anything serious" that I'd met someone and there would be no second date.  That Jason was that person who you give a whole-hearted chance to, even when you THOUGHT you didn't want anything serious.  And an old friend who I'd become too close to, but had drifted from, I wrote to and said, "I've met someone.  This one, I have to try with."  My mom saw me the day of the lunch and saw me happily flustered by my newly upended world.  Jason fit like that long lost, perfectly comfortable t-shirt you never wanted to give up, only... he was brand new.   It was crazy.  Inexplicable.  And lucky.

Little did I know that accident, would spawn more and in the end result in my "accidental community".  This family and extended family and friends and whatever you want to call all these people who are suddenly a part of my life.  Even as I write this, I'm astounded at what one strange little turn of events caused.