There was a time, when Jason and I first moved in together, when we all sat down to our first big dinner... all 6 of us, and the noise was deafening. The boys are only two years apart, the girls only one year apart and because they get along great, dinner was noisy. Like, crazy noisy. Not ill-behaved, not rude, not fighting. Just excited, laughing, sharing, chatter. But to adult ears, trying to hear above the cacophony of whatever the heck the boys were discussing and whatever the heck the girls were discussing, it was pandemonium. I remember smiling wryly at Jason and saying, "remember we signed up for this."
This would have been about 7 years ago. The girls would be 6 and 7, the boys 9 and 11. I'd found a rental house large enough for us all, smack dab in the middle of their two schools as none of the kids wished to change districts and their other parents had remained in their old neighborhoods after the respective divorces.
There have been times, in these past years, as there have been loud voices, or squabbles or the general din of bodies shuffling in the "get ready for school" routines, or one too many "mom/Mariska where is my" followed by a day of work of "Mariska I have a question" to come home to more voices, that I have wished for silence. Just some peace. Well, you know the phrase "be careful what you wish for?" I get it now.
Mike got Covid over a week ago and then the day he sent over William because William tested negative (we figured he would, he just had it in June) but had to keep Frog, things took an interesting turn. Jason was strangely tired and by evening shivering. And then WE tested positive. Jayden hasn't had it, but he lives with us and had been traveling with Jason so we couldn't send him to Kelly's where Delaney already was because he might infect them. And so began the great isolation. I worked from home in my own space downstairs because having had it before it was mostly manageable with some Tylenol. Jason (who hasn't had it, but I had) slept a ton in another room downstairs because it hit him harder. William and Jayden lived upstairs in their rooms. Mike and Frog lived at Mike's. Delaney lived at Kelly's. It's been like this since Tuesday. All of us spread apart.
And the silence has been deafening. Especially today.
Today, I turned 49. I've never been a "please make a big deal out of my birthday" person, so it's not like that's why the silence was so awful. But, you see, normally, all I ever ask for, is to spend it with the 5 people who live under this roof with me. Jason, Jayden, William, Delaney and Frog. That usually means taking off for a day at the coast just to be near the ocean, be together, relax and enjoy our family. It's all I usually ever want. The 6 of us and the ocean. That's my heaven. That's my dream birthday. Not a ton of attention, not extravagant gifts or dinners or big parties or exotic locations. 6 of us and some sand and water. Whatever food we eat when we come home, be it take out, something Jason grills, whatever, I don't care.
But at midnight, as I received the most beautiful text from Delaney, I already realized it would not be that kind of birthday and I cried. I cried at how sweet her words were, how much I missed her and everyone together... and I cried at the sheer silence of my home.
I slept in today. Not really wanting to wake up. And then I woke up horrifically sad. Jayden had to work early and then was gone for a good chunk of the day. William was upstairs asleep still in isolation mode. Frog and Delaney were still at their other parents. And the silence was awful. I sat for a long while outside. listening to the waterfall in our pond, trying, unsuccessfully, not to cry.
You may think "woman, you are never going to make it as an empty-nester!" The thing is, I'll be preparing myself by then. And I'm not kidding myself, it will be hard. I'll have some tearful moments. I'll miss socks strewn about where they shouldn't be and conversations about memes and videos and shows and artists that Jason and I are clueless about. I'll miss the noise and the pandemonium of realizing there are conflicting events. But I'll KNOW it's coming.
This was unexpected. A perfect shit storm of illness and isolation and weird circumstance that left me with an odd, odd birthday. And so I was horrifically sad this morning.
Jason, god love him, masked up and muscled up and went and got the traditional birthday donuts, but my heart wasn't in it with no one to share. But then Mike and Frog masked up and agreed we could all eat outside with lots of space and Jason muscled up some more and made us some eggs and fruit and we had a brunch - me, Jason, Mike, Frog and William. Then, Kelly let us have Delaney and Jayden came home and suddenly there were the voices and faces I love so much all together and the laughter rose and the noise level rose, even with everyone masked up and even with most of us still tired. Jason even baked a cake and Delaney frosted it. We summoned up enough energy for some rounds of the card game War. We ate dinner again spread out outside. And yes, we're all spread out in different rooms again tonight. Masks on and exhaustion touching us earlier than normal.
But we're together. And it's not so quiet. And I think next time, that little voice in my head dares say "I wish for a minute everyone would just leave me alone" I will tell that voice to go to hell and remember this week and remember waking up on my 49th birthday feeling horrifically sad and alone. And I will remember how much my spirits lifted as my favorite people were all together as we ate the silly dinner I wanted (okay, I just wanted corn dogs, so we got burgers and dogs from a local place) and I'll remember my husband's hugs as he showed me the cake and my laughs with Frog and Delaney as we played War, and William's wry smile as he was beating me at cards and Jayden's excitement as he added a new fish to the pond. And I'll remember that peace doesn't have to come with quiet, rather with contentment.
"Remember we signed up for this," I said to Jason that first loud dinner. I guess you could have also told us then to be careful what you wish for. But in that case, wishing to blend our little families of 3 into one big family of 6 was nothing to "be careful" of because it's been the biggest blessing that I never saw coming. As the kids grow up and fly with those beautiful wings, I know there will be some silence. But for now, let's enjoy some noise. Because it means there here with us.
