Do they still say this at the end of commercials for kids "toys" that involve lots of tiny pieces that you have to punch, bind, bolt and/or glue together? Anyone remember those? I do... I remember getting a Barbie McDonald's and my sister and I were SO PROUD that we put it together ourselves to spare our father the agony because the end of that commercial said in a cheerful voice "your parents put it together!"
I thought of this over xmas as Jason and I had the BRILLIANT idea to re-do the kids' rooms as their gift/part of their gift. Did you know there is tons of wonderful, well-built pieces of furniture out there that are now affordable... AND get delivered in pieces that you have to put together? Yep. No longer does IKEA corner this market boys and girls. No! No! Many places have gotten into the act. And it is spectacular! (insert sarcasm here).
And, by the way, if you are wondering about the strength of your marriage and/or your ability to apply humor... put together a few pieces of furniture with your spouse. I'm serious. I'm happy to report both Jason and I have a sense of humor that can carry us through trying moments and we apparently have a marriage strong enough to withstand putting together two beds (a full size high loft and a full size bookshelf/dresser daybed), two computer/drawing/bookshelf desks, two vanity/writing desks and a massaging recliner.
One might think the beds would be the worst thing. We already had some giggles while putting together the loft bed as we smacked our heads a few times and enjoyed the joys of misplacing the allen wrench and making sure pole A was facing pole B and that we had 3 E's to support the structure. But oh... we were just getting started.
The vanity desks were a case study in ease. Thank God. And... God's little trick to make us think we could get all this building done in a weekend. Oh how wonderfully mistaken we were.
Fast Forward to later in the evening, we're sore and tired and have ordered dinner because the boys desks, which are a tall bookcase on one end, a computer/tower stand on the other and a desk that has a portion on a hinge to allow it to tilt up into a drawing/drafting table in the middle are yet to be completed. Feeling optimistic, I take one room and one desk and he takes another.
Pouring out the boxes should have been the first sign. Metal poles, heavy wood pieces, hinges and then BAGS UPON BAGS of screws, bolts, nuts and an allen wrench pop out along with a whopping maybe 9 pages of instructions that consist solely of pictures. NO WORDS save the first page that contains one lovely hint "wait until finished to fully tighten all screws". Yeah. Thanks.
So as I'm starting in Jayden's room and and Jason's in William's, the yelling begins. Not angry, we're just comparing notes between rooms while building. It goes something like this:
Me- honey, when it says not to tighten them all, how loose are you keeping it? mine is now the leaning tower of Pisa, I don't think I'm supposed to leave it that loose.
Jason - uh what step are you on?
Me - Uh.. like 3 or 4? I don't know it's all stupid pictures. I'm putting in the shelf before I have to start assembling the long bars that hold the desk. Where are you?
Jason - kinda the same place... did you do it right? Mine isn't leaning too bad but... (in response to the crash coming from my area) You OKAY?
Me- umm.. yeah, just leaned too far, standing it back up. Wait, I'm putting it upside down.
Jason - Hang on, I'm coming to see your.... hey, um, which screws are C?
Me - well, aren't your baggies labeled, mine are labeled?
Jason - yeah, don't know if you saw, those labels are little stickers and all mine are coming off.
Me - oh shit! Man, I'm going to check all my stickers and bring you some C's to compare. Oh, nevermind (he's walking in)
Jason - hey... honey, I hate to tell you this, I think you built the bookshelf backwards.
Me -but it's reversible
Jason - No, but look at the picture, these 3 little holes are supposed to be on the outside of the shelves no matter which way you're building
Me - okay, shit. I'll start over. Guess that's why they say not to tighten anything too much. These are the C's (we're now holding up multiple screws to make sure his C's and mine are the same)
I help him locate and re-label his bag of C's and start working on mine again and the shouting back and forth is turning into laughing as we try to identify why screws H and L seem so much alike and do you put shelf D on the top or the bottom and does it matter and where the f*@! is my allen wrench... and fast forward to us both having our shelves built and on to these long bars that connect the bookshelf side to the other side and hold up the desk.
Jason - hey honey, does yours look like this? My picture is so tiny I can't tell what...it's saying the something about the "longer side" what the...
Me (bringing in my book - I don't know why, it's the same shitty set of instructions) - well, what the hell? The stupid holes look equidistant to me, what the hell "longer side"? Maybe we'd better do this part together.
Now we're both crouched down over our books and looking at the stupid pictures and holding up 3 very long metal bars and positioning and re-positioning them to try to replicate the picture in the instructions. I'll have you know Geometry and Trig were not my favorite, I'm more of an Algebra girl so this trying to match up pictures in 3 dimensions is not great. It's getting hot upstairs, Jason is injured but insisting on continuing and I'm getting hungry again because it's late. We finally figure out the picture only to have to set it all down and hunt for our allen wrenches that we've both set down and to count the number of H screws we have because suddenly it seems like we have an odd number when we need an even number and the damn H sticker is sliding off that baggy too.
As we piece it together we realize that, despite their best efforts to make it make sense, really step 6 should be step 5 and vice versa because step 6 has the end to hold the tower and to thus support the bars that we've now attached to the damn shelf side but are so long they're pulling the shelf over. So being lower to the ground, I sit so the bars rest across my head and shoulders and we quickly build his tower so we can rest the bars on it. I go back to Jayden's room to do the same with mine with his help and then we separate again in a "divide and conquer" strategy that turned more into divide and swear.
Jason - um... is your desk hard to attach? the holes aren't lining up!
Me - so far so good, I've got one attached, now two, now... oh, I see what you mean. what the F*@! How the.. did we attach the bars right?
Jason - this is impossible, but it matches the picture.
Me -let's work together again, be right there.
I traipse over with my damn allen wrench and we're now using our phones as flashlights while I lie on the ground like I'm working on a car and he's standing over it hoping if he shines a light through the hole in the desk and the hole in the bar we can line it up. (keep in mind neither desk is together and we've now spent more time than we spent COMBINED on a loft bed, two desks and a recliner).
Me - I'm going to have to angle the screw and tighten... F*#! I keep dropping it.... GOT IT, little f#@!er. (this is after I've angled the screw and about the 5th turn of the allen wrench we hear a cracking noise... I think it was the wood squeeeeezing into place).
Jason - okay let's go do yours too.
Same story, the damn holes don't line up and after sweating, pulling, swearing and shining lights in each others' eyes, we get the desk attached and it's time to attach the hinged piece that tilts for drafting/drawing.
Jason - let's finish this tomorrow. This is crazy.
It's like 2:00 a.m. by the way.
Next day we do some cleaning up, eat brunch (we got up late because Saturday killed us) and start on the desks. Each determined to finish one, we've split up again.
Jason - NOOOO! Motherf... I think the desks are on backwards.
Me (flipping frantically to the picture) - no they're not look I... oh shit, you're right. NO WAY. That's what they meant by the "longer piece" dammit! The bar wasn't longer, two of them are closer together!! Jesus, now we've got to attach those desks again?!
We decide to work together again to unscrew the damn screws that didn't line up, re-attach the desks the right way, and the screws still don't line up.. and after WAY too long, we finish that and get to the hinged part that we assume we can divide and conquer again... after dinner because now we're hungry again.
Desk time and almost immediately...
Jason - shit! HONEY.... do YOU see where the hinges are supposed to go?
I start looking at my pictures, only the bar that holds the hinges in the step where we first attached them SHOWED NO HOLES. But in the step I'm on now, that same bar miraculously has 4 tiny holes that are supposed to be facing outward.
Me - you've got to be shitting me. Um.. feel on the inside of your bar... are there 4 tiny holes that weren't in the first picture but now show up?!
I join him in his room to see his face drop as he finds the holes.
Jason - we ARE NOT taking this thing apart for a 3rd time. I can't even... fuck it, where's the drill?
Me - are you just drilling your own holes?
Jason - yes, that's exactly what we're doing.
So now I'm laughing and swearing and he's drilling new holes in metal bars because we are NOT reattaching those damn desks again. We finish William's and it's like 1:00 a.m.
Jason - I'll finish Jayden's tomorrow while you're at work.
Me - uh, you're injured remember, why don't you wait for me to come home.
Jason - but we've still got Laney's bed
Needless to say, when I got home the next day, Jayden's desk was done and Laney's bed was ALMOST done, but I come home to:
Jason - honey, I'm going to need your help finishing Laney's bed, there's no room back there and I already got trapped once.
William (who is Gumby) and I crawl into tiny spaces with phones as flashlights again and bend our bodies around in a way that it made sense that no 6'6" man was going to finish even if his back WASN'T injured.
By xmas, even before, the boys had beautiful new desks in their rooms with shelves and the girls gleefully turned their space into a homey room full of personality.
And Jason and I ... well, with ice packs for his back and Advil for us both and heat for my arthritis and laughs and hugs and a whole lot of swearing... we could feel secure in the knowledge that our marriage and humor can withstand furniture assembly. Not that I want to do it any time again soon.
And by the way... were we supposed to have 3 H screws left? Because we do. And I don't know where we put the allen wrenches when the day comes to take the desks apart. Boy, I'm kinda wishing for a "your parents put it together!" Hot Wheels Track or Barbie Motorhome about now...
