Do you remember this exchange?
Daffy - "It's RABBIT season!"
Bugs - "It's DUCK season!"
Daffy - "It's RABBIT season!
Bugs - "It's RABBIT season!"
Daffy - "It's DUCK season!"
Bugs - "Okay... It's DUCK season!"
And Daffy gets shot.
Folks, if you buy that line of bullshit that it's a dangerous time to be a man in America... congratulations, you're Daffy Duck.
You're angry at what I just said because this "me too" movement is getting out of hand and everyone is getting accused and how the hell do we know what to believe? How do we protect ourselves from these insidious harpies out to bring down our innocent boys?
Answer me something first... where was the outcry when the priests got accused? Why aren't we guarding all those poor innocent priests who stand to be falsely accused? Good lord! Accusers are coming out of the woodwork!! Why didn't they say anything earlier? How can we believe them NOW? What are those terrible men trying to get out of it?! They just don't want a priest in power who disagrees with their views.
And where was the outcry about the Boy Scout leaders? Man, their accusers came out right and left! How about all those innocent football coaches who stand to be accused after Jerry Sandusky? A high school wrestling coach at my Alma Mater was brought down after what turned out to be 20-30 years of abusing boys who wrestled there. Where's the outcry about all those poor innocent wrestling coaches who stand to be accused now? And where are all the doubters slamming those men and boys who came forward and asking them "Jeez! Why didn't you come forward sooner?"
And I AM NOT saying it only happens to women. I know men who have been assaulted and molested and abused. THEY know. They didn't come forward either. Because they know the absolute "mind fuck" it is to be abused. How everything you knew or thought your knew got upended. How you suddenly don't trust your own brain and your own gut and your own decisions. And they know the fear of being "counter-accused" or "victim blamed". They know they will be asked what they did to provoke it, or were they REALLY abused? They know that they'll relive the trauma over and over and that their victimhood will be met with ANGER by some who cannot BELIEVE they would speak out about someone so well liked, or so powerful, or who ran a good team or who won championships or who has the right "political leanings".
Why didn't she come forward earlier? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Why? Maybe because at her age she can barely handle the ridicule, doubt and questions. The "well, why were YOU there? why were YOU drinking? How can YOU let it happen? What are you trying to get out of it?" What makes you think a terrified 14 year old could have handled it IF she had the maturity and gotten beyond the mind fuck it is to be abused. WHY? Because we're STILL blaming victims people. We're still saying they PUT themselves in that position.
Ms. Ford, and the gymnasts who accused the doctor, and the wrestlers who accused our high school coach, Cosby's accusers, and the boys on that horrible team at a high school in Texas who got sodomized by older players in full knowledge of the coach, THEY HAD NOTHING TO GAIN and much to lose. They didn't ask for money. They KNEW the ridicule and doubt and victim blaming they would face. So why on earth would they come forward unless it's because they hoped that their truth would CHANGE something for the better.
And IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE that all our sons and fathers and brothers are in danger of being victims, well then, no worries. Let's just teach them to protect themselves the way we've been teaching women.
Boys DO NOT:
Go to parties
Drink underage
Drink at all
Be alone in a room with a woman
Attempt to disrobe a woman who cannot disrobe herself
Be in a room where there is more than one male but only one female
Remove a single iota of your clothing, even if you get warm
Dance with a female
Join a fraternity
Walk anywhere near an unattended drink without reliable sober witnesses
Offer a woman a drink
Pour a drink of any kind without drinking it in full, DO NOT SET IT DOWN!
Forget to lock a bathroom door at a party, that way no horrible woman can say you lured her in
Walk to another part of a house/building during a social gathering alone, if you do and encounter a lone woman, make sure you have protection on you
And if you do any of the above... do NOT expect to be believed if you are falsely accused. Because then we'll start asking you the same questions you ask victims now.
How can YOU put yourself in that position?
Why were you even there?
Why did you drink?
How can you expect to be believed if you were drinking? We can't trust your memory!
Why on earth were you dancing with her?
Wait, you brought her a drink? What are you crazy?! You're asking for it!
Why on earth did you not protect yourself?
Now you're either angry or amused at the above. It's not funny. This is serious. Or you think I'm being melodramatic and crazy. Just another crazy woman who thinks all men are guilty and all women are to be believed.
No folks, not so. I'm just saying you don't get to have it both ways. FINE you want to say it's men who are in danger right now? Then just like you've been laying the blame on victims for not being smarter and safer all this time, you have to do the same for these men.
OTHERWISE, if it's not fair, if it's ridiculous to expect boys to have to basically stop living in order to being prevent being victimized, if the only way to stop this ludicrous idea is to finally start making PERPETRATORS responsible, then you have to do the same for women and FOR ALL VICTIMS of assault regardless of gender.
I saw a horrible story where a man spoke about a very close female friend he had in high school who was asked every day to go out by another boy. She kept saying no. That boy brought a gun to school. The author of the story WAS THE ONLY BOY IN THEIR CLASS, when the teacher asked whose fault it was, who said it was the boy who brought the gun. Let me repeat that. HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HELD THAT BOY RESPONSIBLE. The rest were angry WITH HER. Why didn't she just say yes? How could she keep saying no and make him so angry that SHE endangered the entire school. Did you hear that? SHE endangered the school. Not the crazy shithead who brought the gun. She did. For saying no.
When a girl accused 3 basketball players at the University of Oregon of gang raping her, SHE got angry letters and threats for ruining their lives. Did you read that. SHE ruined their lives. Not them. SHE did it. The victim. They admitted to being with her. To "having sex" with her. They admitted to being too drunk to remember really if she said "no". But only her drinking was called into question. Not theirs.
When those young boys on that Texas football team were sodomized by older players, THEY were ridiculed, faced threats, called snitches. The PERPETRATORS played the victim and the town rallied behind those poor players who might lose scholarships and those poor coaches who might be fired. And why couldn't those poor boys just have shut up about the "right of passage"? Never mind their bodies were physically damaged. Never mind that they screamed and cried and were held down and the coaches could hear. The coaches and teachers told everyone to "keep quiet". They couldn't have their lovely town defined by this. Did you catch that? They silenced the VICTIMS for the sake of themselves.
Are there false accusers out there? Girls who don't remember their actions or who regret it and cry rape? I'm sure there are. But if you decide boys are the real victims here or that we just cannot believe anyone because of the few, then you're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Let's not register voters since a few people cheat the system. Let's not have borders because a few sneak over them. And let's not believe victims, because a few will make up stories. Okay.
But if someone comes forward with no personal gain, no monetary gain and relives a very painful time in their life, chances are... they're telling the truth.
And until you've faced the fear of assault. Until you've found yourself frozen, unable to move or so baffled, bewildered and crazed by where you've found yourself that you cannot BELIEVE this is reality, kindly SHUT UP. You don't know. You don't know how you would respond. You don't know the fear of coming forward. You don't know the pain and embarrassment of being doubted, questioned, blamed or embarrassed. You're asking yourself, does she? Who is she to write this? I do know. I know the above. The fear, the doubt, the blame. I know the PTSD because of it. I know the embarrassment. I've been asked "how can YOU let this happen?" I only came forward through a story in my blog a few years ago, not to gain anything from the perpetrator. But in the hopes that my story might educate my friends who had kids that age. The girls AND the boys. About the signs, the fears, and how easily it happens. How easy it is to be confused and scared and silenced.
Until you have, DO NOT tell victims how to behave.
And while you're at it, if you still think men are the victims here, if you think perpetrators are the victims here - then start advising them to protect themselves from victimization. Like my OBGYN who always has a female nurse in the room, start asking those victims you feel so much for to protect themselves. Tell them not to LET themselves be falsely accused. Tell them to live in a narrow, shallow, hemmed in life to protect themselves. Otherwise, they were asking for it. Weren't they?
It's not Duck Season or Rabbit Season. It's just sad.
